Telling your partner
It's tempting to put it off, or to carry it alone to protect them. Hiding it usually makes it worse. Pick a calm moment, say what's happened and what you know, and be open about what you don't know yet.
Starting the conversation
I need to tell you something hard. My role has been made redundant. I'm scared and I'm not sure what happens next, but I want us to work it out together. Can we sit down tonight and look at what we've got coming in and going out?
- Listen to their fears without defending yourself. They may be frightened or angry, which is normal.
- Agree a simple budget and a 'how long can we last' figure. The Money Runway tool on this site helps.
- Decide who does what: job-search admin, kids, household, calls to the bank.
- Agree a regular check-in (say 15 minutes on Sunday), so money talk doesn't spill into every evening.
- If you're the partner still working, remember they're grieving too. Practical help and patience matter more than advice.
Telling children
| Age | What to say | What to avoid |
|---|---|---|
| Under 5 | 'Dad/Mum's work finished. We're okay. We'll still look after you.' | Long explanations |
| 5 to 11 | Short and honest: 'My job has ended. I'm looking for a new one. We might do fewer treats for a while, but you'll have a home and food.' | Blaming your boss or sounding panicked |
| Teens | More detail and involve them: what's changing, what they can do to help, and that they can ask questions. | Putting adult worries on them or expecting them to fix it |
- Say clearly it's not their fault and not something they have to solve.
- Keep routines: meals, bedtimes, school, sport. Predictability calms kids.
- Watch for changes in sleep, behaviour or mood. Let the school know if things are rough at home.
- If you can't afford sports or school costs, ask the school and Work and Income. There may be help.
Whānau and wider family
Telling parents, siblings or in-laws can be daunting, especially if you feel you've let them down or they've been counting on you. Share what you need: a meal, a listening ear, help with kids, or just not being asked daily about job leads. Pride can stop people accepting help; most people want to help.
Setting a boundary kindly
Thanks for caring. I'm working on it every day. Could we not talk about the job search every time we see each other? It'd help to just catch up as normal.
When arguments get heated
- Pause: 'I'm getting wound up. Can we continue in 20 minutes?'
- Stay on one topic and avoid 'you always/never'.
- No big decisions when exhausted or angry.
- Consider couples or family counselling if you're stuck. Work and Income's counselling help covers counselling linked to a health condition, not relationship counselling, so ask your GP or a community provider about low-cost options.
If you're the partner of someone who lost their job
You're carrying a lot: your own worry, their mood and maybe more of the money load. Look after yourself too. Talk to a friend, keep some routine, and call 1737 if it's heavy. You can also encourage them to see their GP without pushing.
Sources
- Plunket: Parenting help (opens in a new tab)
- Healthify: Parenting support (opens in a new tab)
- 1737 Need to talk? (opens in a new tab)
General information only. Confirm with the agency for your situation. Spotted something out of date? Email help@unemployed.nz.